Category: Word Play & Writing

Sesquipedalian

9/24/2013

Posted by Jon
A few years ago, BJ taught me a new word: “sesquipedalian” – defined as:

Characterized by long words; long-winded.

His contention? That the adjective applies to far too much proposal content. We want writing to appear natural, conversational: if you couldn’t imagine reading your answer aloud to the evaluators across a table in a meeting room, it’s probably too formal. Yet content contributors seem to feel the need to use grandiose words and phrases, as if this will impress the readers. (After all, at school you got higher marks for using more advanced language to impress the teacher with the range of your vocabulary, right? The same just isn’t true of proposals. You’re writing to win a contract, not the Nobel Prize for Literature.)

Three recent examples of unnecessarily-complicated writing that have caught my eye of late, the first from a proposal which noted that:

“The project will be delivered within a three-month timeframe.”

That’s like asking “how long do you need for lunch today” and finding your group saying: “We’d like a 45-minute timeframe, please.” They wouldn’t: they’d ask for “45 minutes” – just as: “”The project will be delivered within three months.”

The second comes from the coffee machine outside a meeting room in which I’ve been working regularly. Aside from the cappuccinos. lattes and americanos, it offers “hot water”. The sign next to the machine usefully add the explanation: “A portion-controlled hot water selection.” Just in case you were in any doubt…
And the third? Also drink-related, from a recent stay in Vegas. Here’s the blurb from the packaging:

Good things in Small Packages
The Revolution is our award-winning single serving box with one infuser inside.

A teabag, if you were wondering. (Actually, “a unique tea gift”, to be strictly accurate).

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It’s all about price if…

8/20/2013

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Posted by Jon
Your proposal strategy is all about price if you can convince the buyer that:

you have the most efficient solution to meet their requirements, consuming the fewest resources
those resources are cheaper than anyone else’s
your stakeholders require a lower return on their investment – i.e. margin – than your competitors’.

Oh, and also, that:

the fact that you’ll give them the lowest price will be embedded contractually, underpinned by benchmarking (for what that’s worth)
none of your competitors will outsmart you in the way they present their price (e.g. ‘bid low, recover to margin’, ‘buy the business’) or will underspecify their solution
no competitor can offer a significantly higher return on investment – i.e. quantifiably larger benefits for their higher price
cheap really is cheerful for the customer’s team – not fraught with risk and hassle
the customer trusts you.

If you’re not confident of all of the above, then your story really can’t be all about price, can it? Youhave to create value – and a good strategy process becomes essential.

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Quality not quantity

8/13/2013

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Posted by Jon
My favourite comment from a proposal evaluator recently, reported to me by a salesperson?

For whose comfort are all these pages?

Just a perfect reminder of the need to write concise content!

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Tears of joy?

7/29/2013

1 Comment

Posted by Jon
I’m sure we all have our favourite stories of calamitous proofreading errors. The funniest two mistakes I’ve seen lately, both in the same proposal… a company who had excellent systems in place to enable them to ‘detain our staff’ (I hope they meant ‘retain’), and who classed their customers into three groups depending on the size of the contract – duly named:

Tear 1
Tear 2
Tear 3

I shared these the day after reading them with a group with which I was working. One of those present offered up his own all-time favourite: witnessing an account manager’s face as she clicked onto a slide about their company’s “Public training courses”. Only they didn’t quite get all the letters into the word “public”…

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Missing Something?

7/4/2013

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Posted by Jon
As well as being a Fellow of APMP, I’m a long-standing member of the esteemed Institute of Directors, which bases itself out of prestigious premises in London’s Pall Mall. Their main building has always had something of a formal atmosphere, but change is in the air. An email arrived just the other day, entitled “Dress Code Change – Pilot for July, August and September 2013″. Here’s what it said:

Dear Mr Williams

As you are a valued member of Institute of Directors, I wanted to personally email you to let you know about some upcoming changes to the rules regarding the IoD’s dress code at Pall Mall.

The Board has endorsed a decision to pilot a more relaxed dress code at our Pall Mall premises, including the Restaurant, for the months of July, August and September. By introducing this pilot we would like to be more open and inclusive and also more in tune with modern working practices.

We do value member feedback and will be noting all comments received during this period and a full report will be given to the Board in September which will subsequently be published on our website. Please send any comments you have via email or you can speak with our Reception team when you next visit our Premises.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your continued support of the IoD and look forward to welcoming you back to Pall Mall very soon.

Yours sincerely…

Anyone notice what’s missing? That’s right: there’s no mention whatsoever of what the new dress code actually is. I’m thinking of turning up in shorts, a bermuda shirt and flip-flops: I wonder if they’ll let me in?
It’s like that with too much proposal content. The author knows everything about the topic concerned; in their rush to document it (often in over-formal language), they can sometimes lose sight of what it is they need to get across to the reader.

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A grammar test

5/30/2013

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Posted by Jon
A wonderful little quiz on the BBC News site the other week, with “10 questions about grammar”. Not all proposal people are fascinated by the craft of writing, but many are – and so I thought readers here might enjoy it.

Click here – it’ll take you at most ten minutes to complete. I scored eight out of ten, which apparently makes me a “”grammar guru”. It also means I got two wrong, which illustrates why professional proofreaders are so important on live deals even for the most competent of writers.

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Missing the point

1/16/2012

1 Comment

Posted by BJ
I know I focus too much on words. This was pointed out to me by my good friend Henry when I commented on the poor grammar within a sub-title on a magazine.

The sub-title, next to a scantily clad, curvaceous young lady in a provocative pose and sporting a “come hither” look in her eyes, read:

“100 women, 99 bikinis. Never has math been so fun!”

My immediate thought was that this should have read, “…so much fun.” or “…such fun!”

Henry pointed out that I might be focusing on something other than that which the magazine intended its readers to focus upon.

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Choose your words carefully

12/5/2011

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Posted by BJ
I came across a piece in the humor section of a popular periodical that presented a requirement that was not specific enough and which used a rather poor choice of words.

The requirement read as follows:

“It shall be the responsibility of the supplier to keep their private areas clean. Please refer to the rules and regulations if you don’t know where your private area is.”

I’ve no doubt this would make for some pretty interesting responses.

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The Power of Words

7/28/2011

1 Comment

Posted by BJ
There’s a video making the rounds which illustrates the power of words and reinforces how using different words can have a significant impact on how the message is received and the effect it has on people.

It’s worth watching both for the message it delivers, as well as for reinforcing once again how important it is for us to carefully consider the words we use.

You can watch the video below, or click here to watch it on YouTube.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hzgzim5m7oU[/youtube]

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Two Words You Should Never Use

7/21/2011

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Posted by BJ
I have always enjoyed humorous word play. One of the earliest examples would be something I read (and amazingly still recall) was on a comic that came with (Actually wrapped around as many of you will recall, a piece of Bazooka bubble gum (and if you do recall Bazooka bubble gum and the aforementioned comic that accompanied each piece, then you too have a few years on you. And, I’ve no doubt, Jon and my colleagues on the other side of the pond will be asking, “Ok, what’s Bazooka?”),

The comic had a character (I don’t recall which one), say to Bazooka Joe (he of the turtleneck collar over the lower half of his face, but I digress here), “My mom says there are two words you should never use. One of them is stupid and the other is lousy.” Joe responds with, “Okay, what’s the stupid one?”

These came to mind while I was reading a newspaper article on a recently condemned apartment. The article cited one of the reasons, among many, for the apartment being condemned as it being infested with bedbugs. Also cited was the fact that the apartment could not be heated to an appropriate temperature due to, and I’m quoting here (as will be obvious to many of you, or at least I’d hope it would be!), “lousy insulation”.

I suspect you can see where the problem, and the, I suspect, completely unintentional humor, lies. For those that might not be aware of the definition of the term “lousy”, it is, “to be infested with lice.” So, one could assume, given the infestation of bedbugs that was mentioned, the insulation probably was lousy. But I’m pretty sure what the writer meant was it was “insufficient”.

This misuse of the term lousy completely distracted me from the article itself. Jon and I have both reviewed many proposals that contained misused words that caused similar distractions (in our opinion, it’s the humorous ones that are the most distracting) and we’ve offered up a number of our favorite examples over the years.

I offer this one for your amusement and as a reminder to chose/use your words carefully.

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BJ Lownie and Jon Williams are the co-founders of Strategic Proposals.

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